Dear Jane Sample

Are you ready for 5 minutes of these lines - “I’m giving you an opportunity here” ,  “Let the romance begin” , “This looks like a land line?” , “There’s nothing wrong with me” , “if your psychologically normal” ?

Oh and the douchebage is a guy from Toronto by the name of, Dimitri the Lover, who was running a dating advice business for men, teaching them how to get laid.  He also has mad photshop skills!

I like reality shows.  When done right they reveal true human nature to is, when done wrong they make you feel dirty for watching.  MTV’s The Paper is one of those good reality shows.  It follows the lives of a bunch of teens who work for their High School paper, and the best part is they actually look and act like real teens.  The show also has two of THE most annoying “type of” human beings on it.  Amanda Lorber, the unpopular editor-in-chief (who is the less annoying of the two) and Alex Angert the whinny and sniveling, managing editor.

Amanda is the over achieving, cocky, rich girl, who SHOULD be popular but isn’t because she annoys people with her “I’m the best” attitude.  She is that one girl in school who you liked, yet couldn’t be really good friends with because she wouldn’t stop talking about herself.   On the show, she looks like a kicked puppy at times, as the other senior editors gang up on her or exclude her from activities.  This makes you like her as you remember you OWN experience in high school where you too had your dreams crushed by the jerky cliche.

Alex on the other hand is the dweeby looking, whinny and backstabbing little shit who everyone liked because they thought he was smart and nice.  Yet  upon closer inspection you saw that he was just a weak pussy, who would make fun of you behind your back to the “cool kids” if they excepted him into their special circle.   I do not like Alex.  He is an ass.  He use to be friends with Amanda, but when she got the editor-in-chief postion instead of him, he became the biggest ass to his “friend” and used every oppotunity to undermine Amanda.  I hate people like that.

Here is a scene of the two together:

Watching the show, I wondered what would happen to these kids … where would they end up?   What type of people would they make?  I see Amanda becoming a successful and happy person.  She’ll find her place in college and will eventually become less annoying as she becomes more humble once the big bad world kicks her ass.  Alex on the other hand, will become that whiny loser who “falls into a job” and then forgets to fall out of it.   Maybe he’ll bald prematurely and get a paunch too ….

Is my dream of a 4-day work week, finally going to become a reality? Although, I was envisioning 4 days of 8 hour duration …. not 10.   Oh and that bastard at the end, basically ruins the dream forever.

In honour of Joker’s  “Say no to ________ day” here is a list of things I will be saying “NO!” to today.

Say no, to wedgies.  And thongs that cause wedgies.

Say no, to stupid questions from stupid people.

Say no, to working late.

Say no, to dumb ex-boyfriends who email you saying “been a long time, what’s new with you?”

Say no, to shaving your legs.

Say no, to an overflowing and out of control inbox.

Say no, to 5 pm meetings with 9 am deliverables.

Say no, to “acting like an adult.”

Say no, to eating lunch at your desk.

Say no, to stressing about the little things you can’t control anyways.

Not good news this morning if you have GM stock, which fell to $9.98 last night. The lowest it has been on 50 years.  More doom and gloom followed by all those financial analyst guys predicting GM’s impending bankruptcy and other such things.   Not really surprising as GM Canada reports that their sales have fallen by 23.8% in June.  With Truck sales done by 35% from last year.

Ouch.

Let’s take some time today to talk about a key component of our jobs - TIMELINES.

Why the fuck won’t people respect timelines?  If the timeline says that “x” needs to be one by “y” day, it is because it NEEDS to be done by day “y” and not because we thought it would be fun to say that it needs to be done by day “y”.   And if that thing does not get done by day “y” … then your project will not launch on the exact date you specified.

Timelines need to be respected and followed.   Otherwise we all live in a bloody anarchy!  In which case … fuck it, I’m going on a nice long booze lunch and making you pay for it. Oh and I’m not returning YOUR calls either.

I’ve seen a few blog posts now about consumer reviews on Amazon of … the Bible.  Now I know a lot of people are probably really offended by them, but they are BLOODY hilarious.   I am not sure if most of the reviewers are seriously reviewing the Bible for its literary efforts, or if they are just taking a shit out of the “Holy Book”, but if if it is the first option then wow …. Amazon reviewers are a force to be reckoned with.

Sample of Customer Reviews of the Bible on Amazon:

3 out of 5 stars - A decent sophomore effort. by W. Christan

For those of you who don’t know, this is God’s second novel after the Old Testament. It’s a marked improvement, in my opinion. He got rid of a lot of his previous angst and scorn, and has really begun to show some of the maturity present in his later works. He’s become a much more loving and kind God, and, noticeably, he doesn’t throw nearly as many tantrums as he did in the first book.

That said, there is still vast room for improvement. Plot wise, there isn’t really much suspense, and the story can be incredibly repetitive. In like four chapters, he just rewords the same basic story over and over again. To top that off, he puts those chapters one right after the other. Like we wouldn’t notice! I like the whole Jesus character, but let’s face it, the whole good guy martyr thing has been done before. There was no need to devote so much of the book to that guy.

If you’re really looking for a good God read, check out the Koran or the Book of Mormon. They’re much more polished. Plus, the storytelling in the Book of Mormon is wild. Some people say it goes too far and point to it as evidence that God’s over the hill, but I beg to differ. Just read it. God’s like a genius or something. I mean, magic spectacles! Tell me that isn’t awesome. I don’t know how he dreams up some of this crap

1 out of 5 stars - The character of Jesus lacks substance… by CaughtInTheCovers

While reading this book I felt that the author was torn in too many directions. Some of the chapters seemed to be repetitive and told the same exact story, at times almost contradicting itself. I wish that the plot line of the character “Jesus” and “the Father” was expanded upon more in a cohesive manner. I felt that the role of Mary was very underplayed and I would have liked to hear more about the role of her virginity in her life. Although I did see a slight foil to the “Virgin” by the woman of the night “Mary Magdalen”. I would have liked to hear the story from a first person narrative dictated by “the Son”. His pain and struggle had a glimmer of potential but lacked in it’s Harry Potter type “magic”. Bringing back a man from the dead? Doctors do that all the time. How about some flying or love spells… now that I could read about. I am looking forward to a possible sequel though, there’s a chance the author could fix some of his confusions and find the focus of the story. Mel Gibson did wonders with the film adaptaion and I wish the book could have lived up to it. It’s perhaps the only case where the picture outshined the novel. Better try next time though!

And I just had to include this one ….

4 out of 5 stars - get it straight people by BLUE “BluThorn”

For all you people in stupid-ville out there, get it strraight that the events in the Bible are 100% real. You can check up on Egyptian history, the Queen from Cush came to visit King Solomon who really WAS the son of King David and even today people in Israel know their family descent as 1 of the 12 tribes. Ammonites, Hittites, etc all existed. There really WAS a man names Jesus of Nazereth who was nailed unto a T shaped crossas it was written in the Roman Chronicles. And a man named Saul (Paul) of Tarsus killed hundreds of Christians.

the REASON that the language in the King James Version Bible seems so odd with “begat” “hath” “thou” and stuff like that is because it was written in 1769 by the scholars of KING JAMES. You dumb people out there who think that it talks in a “wierd dialect” because it doesn’t sound “english” make me sick enough to puke.

So whether you want to believe it or the events in the Bible are historical fact as the same events are written by other civilizations that the Israelites and the Jewish people interacted with. As any Jew who IS really a Jew as in lineage to Israel and they will tell you which house/tribe they are from. And for those Jews who don’t know, shame on you go find out.

For all you Christians out there, give a pig a pearl and it will attack you for it. Understand? Don’t take it personally.

Watch out for 2 versions or more of the King James Version that is out. A few are from the corrupted text of Wescott and Hort, the CODEX VATICANUS and CODEX SINAITICUS. How do we know these are corrupt? Well Wescott and Hort who “found” these two had ties to several cults and when the texts are compared to the four gospels, the GOD and way of life does not match up.

Get the King James and not these other “revised” versions. Most of them take out from the Word and other add in. You want the Word directly from it’s scriptures without this transliteration stuff, then learn Aramaic and get the original scriptures.

Survival Tip #13: Create a detailed survival plan in case the world/civilization as we know it comes to an end

The key to surviving the daily grind of an Agency and not killing yourself is to have something “bigger” to focus on or worry about.  And what is bigger then the survival of the human race?  If you haven’t watched enough sci-fi movies or Discovery channel, here’s a handy dandy guide you can start from.  The key to the survival plan is to have a plan for every scenario imaginable, so you should update this on a regular basis depending on what disaster is “in” this week.  (Fox News is a great source of reference for this.)  Your survival plan should also include a list of people you will save and those you will sacrifice.  This will become a great weapon for you in the internal agency politics, as you can threaten people with removal from the “saved” list.  At first people will think you are a bit crazy, but as everyone wants to be liked they will do everything they can to stay on your “saved” list … just in case.

I would also recommend you have several copies of the survival plan in several formats, hidden in your office, home, bunker, survivalist cottage and your mom’s house.

Reality #12: You will eventually reach a point at which you will contemplate a career change

One day, as you sit at your desk trying to save the world from a bad headline or bad layout, you will start contemplating a career change.  At first, you will only think about what it would be like to be a Teacher or a Doctor, when you have a bad day or are asked to do something immoral.  But eventually you will start wondering if every ones job is better than yours - your friends, the delivery guy, the Barrista at Starbucks, your drug dealer, the dog walker, the guy working at McDonalds.   Then you will reach a point at which you will actively look into a career change but get disheartened or lose interest once you find out all the work involved in making a career change … oh yes and the pay cut.   At this point contemplating a career change will become a fantasy that keeps you going through the day and possibly something to share with your equally jaded co-workers.

Spotted: Aritzia store on Queen St. West with all window displays and signage hung upside down