I’ve seen a few blog posts now about consumer reviews on Amazon of … the Bible. Now I know a lot of people are probably really offended by them, but they are BLOODY hilarious. I am not sure if most of the reviewers are seriously reviewing the Bible for its literary efforts, or if they are just taking a shit out of the “Holy Book”, but if if it is the first option then wow …. Amazon reviewers are a force to be reckoned with.
Sample of Customer Reviews of the Bible on Amazon:
3 out of 5 stars - A decent sophomore effort. by W. Christan
For those of you who don’t know, this is God’s second novel after the Old Testament. It’s a marked improvement, in my opinion. He got rid of a lot of his previous angst and scorn, and has really begun to show some of the maturity present in his later works. He’s become a much more loving and kind God, and, noticeably, he doesn’t throw nearly as many tantrums as he did in the first book.
That said, there is still vast room for improvement. Plot wise, there isn’t really much suspense, and the story can be incredibly repetitive. In like four chapters, he just rewords the same basic story over and over again. To top that off, he puts those chapters one right after the other. Like we wouldn’t notice! I like the whole Jesus character, but let’s face it, the whole good guy martyr thing has been done before. There was no need to devote so much of the book to that guy.
If you’re really looking for a good God read, check out the Koran or the Book of Mormon. They’re much more polished. Plus, the storytelling in the Book of Mormon is wild. Some people say it goes too far and point to it as evidence that God’s over the hill, but I beg to differ. Just read it. God’s like a genius or something. I mean, magic spectacles! Tell me that isn’t awesome. I don’t know how he dreams up some of this crap
1 out of 5 stars - The character of Jesus lacks substance… by CaughtInTheCovers
While reading this book I felt that the author was torn in too many directions. Some of the chapters seemed to be repetitive and told the same exact story, at times almost contradicting itself. I wish that the plot line of the character “Jesus” and “the Father” was expanded upon more in a cohesive manner. I felt that the role of Mary was very underplayed and I would have liked to hear more about the role of her virginity in her life. Although I did see a slight foil to the “Virgin” by the woman of the night “Mary Magdalen”. I would have liked to hear the story from a first person narrative dictated by “the Son”. His pain and struggle had a glimmer of potential but lacked in it’s Harry Potter type “magic”. Bringing back a man from the dead? Doctors do that all the time. How about some flying or love spells… now that I could read about. I am looking forward to a possible sequel though, there’s a chance the author could fix some of his confusions and find the focus of the story. Mel Gibson did wonders with the film adaptaion and I wish the book could have lived up to it. It’s perhaps the only case where the picture outshined the novel. Better try next time though!
And I just had to include this one ….
4 out of 5 stars - get it straight people by BLUE “BluThorn”
For all you people in stupid-ville out there, get it strraight that the events in the Bible are 100% real. You can check up on Egyptian history, the Queen from Cush came to visit King Solomon who really WAS the son of King David and even today people in Israel know their family descent as 1 of the 12 tribes. Ammonites, Hittites, etc all existed. There really WAS a man names Jesus of Nazereth who was nailed unto a T shaped crossas it was written in the Roman Chronicles. And a man named Saul (Paul) of Tarsus killed hundreds of Christians.
the REASON that the language in the King James Version Bible seems so odd with “begat” “hath” “thou” and stuff like that is because it was written in 1769 by the scholars of KING JAMES. You dumb people out there who think that it talks in a “wierd dialect” because it doesn’t sound “english” make me sick enough to puke.
So whether you want to believe it or the events in the Bible are historical fact as the same events are written by other civilizations that the Israelites and the Jewish people interacted with. As any Jew who IS really a Jew as in lineage to Israel and they will tell you which house/tribe they are from. And for those Jews who don’t know, shame on you go find out.
For all you Christians out there, give a pig a pearl and it will attack you for it. Understand? Don’t take it personally.
Watch out for 2 versions or more of the King James Version that is out. A few are from the corrupted text of Wescott and Hort, the CODEX VATICANUS and CODEX SINAITICUS. How do we know these are corrupt? Well Wescott and Hort who “found” these two had ties to several cults and when the texts are compared to the four gospels, the GOD and way of life does not match up.
Get the King James and not these other “revised” versions. Most of them take out from the Word and other add in. You want the Word directly from it’s scriptures without this transliteration stuff, then learn Aramaic and get the original scriptures.
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